Favourite Quotes and Jokes

[Rotae]

Topic says it all. Post your favourite quotes and jokes!

Warning: Some of these jokes may (and probably will be) in bad taste!

Favourite quote at the moment:

Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a teacosy doesn't try it on! - Billy Connelly

Favourite joke:

Q: Why couldn't the baby walk through the door?
A: Because it had a javellin through it's head.

Peace,
Rotae

[Caitlin]

i dont get the baby one...

here's mine (another Billy Connelly)

Every movie i'm in, I die, I die in a Muppet movie for God's Sake!!

haha it was on parkinson once, i think u actually had to be there...

[Rotae]

I can imagine him saying that! lol.

Um.. the baby one... well, if you had a javellin (a really long stick you chuck at the Olympics) then you wouldn't be able to walk through the door either! Don't worry... it's a bit sick.

Q: When is a window, not a window?
A: When it's asparagus!

Peace,
Rotae

[retro399]

i think that a lot of mine are not fit to post on here,lol!!!i will have to think of some decent ones!

[Dory]

yeah same here retro lol

one that i find funny, and i always tell people it...but i dunno whether anyone on here would find it funny..(dont worry i aint bein sexist! before anyone thinks it!)

Q: Why are single women thin and married women fat?
A: Because the single women look what's in the fridge and go to bed, married women look what's in the bed and go to the fridge.

[Rotae]

Lmao! I love it.

You know, this dragon dust looks a lot like glitter - Me, looking at a friends 'Dragon Book'.

I told this next joke to a male friend of mine coz he always told me blonde jokes (I used to be naturally blonde).

Story: These three blondes are walking along a beach and they find this lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out. He says:
"I am the intelligance genie. I can make you smarter or dumber than you are now."
The first blonde says:
"Well, I want to be 100 times smarter than I am now."
The genie turns her into a brunette.
The second blonde says:
"Well, I don't want to be that smart. I want to be 10 times smarter than I am now."
The genie turns her in a red head.
The last blonde says:
"Well, just be be funny, I want you to make me a million times dumber than I am now."
The genie turns her into a man.

Peace,
Rotae

[Dory]

hah that last bit is so true ;D

there was another joke that i had, but ive forgotten the rest of it, all i can remember is the punch line lol

[Rotae]

Hmmm... joke... I can't think of any! lol.

Oh, I know!

Q:How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The lightbulb's gotta wanna change.

Peace,
Rotae

[Dory]

ahh ive heard that one lol but with psychiatrists.

i thought these were funny...if a little not nice, lol (if ye are easily offended then dont read on hah, sorry to the blondes) ya know its very rare to have a natural blonde, when all these jokes came about they were aimed at people who bleached their hair...anyway, gettin off track here-


Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.


this ones a bit rude lol

Q: Why was the blondes' belly button sore ?
A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too.


ahem


Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!

Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.

Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

[Rotae]

What really amused me, was that my friends who was telling all of those blonde jokes to annoy me, was blond himself!!

lol

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees George W. Bush whooping and hollering.

"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

Peace,
Rotae

[retro399]

now now,dory,i am blonde!!!!i am only joking,lol!!!!!good jokes!

[NativeAngel]

Sorry Retro, but gotta nother blond joke and it is in bad taste.

What is the same thing between a blond and an airplane?

They both have a c***pit

wasn't sure if the censors would pick up on this one.

Rock, Peace
NativeAngel

[Dory]

hah i know a load of blonde ones....but ive found that natural blondes (such as yourself Retro) are normally very intellegent.

its these american/hollywood/glamour things...i mean ;D heh

[retro399]

thanks for the compliment dory,your jokes are really funny anyway!!i wonder how rotae is getting on at uni,hope she is ok,i miss her on the website,i bet you do too,especially chatting about a certain ewan mcgregor!!!

[Dory]

yeah.....my ewan fix! *has withdrawls* lol

bet she is havin a blast actually...the first year was fun...but i bore easily and the novelty wore off for me heh